*Chellie* =o) (chelliebellie27) wrote,
*Chellie* =o)

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I feel like my life is a mess.

The past couple of days I have felt every emotion I think I can humanly feel. I don't know what to think, what to say, how to feel...It just seems like everytime my life seems to be going in the right direction, something comes along and throws me into an emotional frenzy. All I want is to be happy and for the people around me to be happy, is that so much to ask?

I work in a job that forces me to be positive for the people I work with. It forces me to try and see the good in every possible situation, yet when that situation involes me, I can never look at the positive side of things. I am great at telling everyone else that everything is gonna be ok, but I'm not very good at convincing myself of that. I need someone to hold me once in a while, tell me that everything is going to be alright...but when I NEED that there is NO ONE. Just me, me....to sit here and wallow in my emotional cesspool and wonder how long it will be before I drown. OMG how depressing is that?

I am in a selfish mood. I don't want to be that person that is there for everyone else ...always supporting them and telling them in the end everything will end up ok. Who's gonna be there for me to do that? Who's gonna tell me that everything is going to be ok? It's all a crock of shit. No one really knows how things are going to end up in the end. Including me. I just have to sit there and tell people that so i get paid. The most horrible thing about all that is, I don't want to be that kind of insensitive person that doesn't really care how other people feel, but I feel like I'm becoming just that. For today anyway. I don't think I could ever stay that way.

I guess the past couple of days have really done a number on me. I hate when you have so much to say to someone but you can't say it. I hate when you care so much about someone but can't show it. I HATE IT! I hate that i'm feeling the way I'm feeling today. I hate that one person I care so much about is suffering and I can't do anything about it. I hate that other people continue to play mind games with me even after I've done all that I could to make them stop. I hate a lot of things today...GRRRRR

I think i'm stopping this entry right now....
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